Lies
by eorocks
Summary: This is a short story told by Elliot. About the lies he's told...to his wife and to himself. Rated T but there are a few swear words and some sexual references but nothing graphic.


_Hi readers. I know the first thing you're going to say is that I'm supposed to be working on an update to Deception. And that's coming soon. Trust me. However, I have to tell you that this little story has been in my head and screaming to get OUT. I'm actually supposed to be working on a very important presentation that I have to give at work, but I just had to write this down. I'm not sure if you'll like it or not, and it's fine if you don't. Sometimes, you just can't get rid of these stories until they're down on paper. So here we go. Please leave a review or comment. Or not. Thanks!_

EOEOEOEOEO

The first time I lied to my wife about Olivia was the first day I met her.

I had told Kathy that I was supposed to get my new partner that morning as I'd gotten ready for work. So naturally, when I sat down for dinner, it was the first thing she asked me. Actually, the first thing she asked me was my new partner's name, joking about how she'd have to program a new number into speed dial for when I didn't answer. Her smile faded slightly when I said her name. Olivia Benson.

It saved me from having to tell her I was partnered with a woman. But it didn't save me from her next question. Which was if Olivia was pretty.

I remember shrugging my shoulders in a non-committal way, indicating I really didn't think about it one way or the other.

There was the lie.

The first thing I noticed about Olivia was her eyes. Dark brown. Long, dark lashes.

Then her smile. Full lips. White teeth.

Her smile lit her face and as she reached out her hand to shake mine, I took in her dark skin and dark hair. She looked foreign. Exotic.

She was tall, and had an athletic build, but was drowning in a suit that I presumed she thought made her look professional, and was meant to detract from her appearance. I wanted to tell her that there was nothing she could do that would make her look like one of the guys.

So when my wife asked if she was pretty, perhaps it wasn't technically a lie. Because Olivia Benson wasn't pretty. She was beautiful. Stunning.

But my lie seems to ease the relief in Kathy's shoulders, and for that, I was grateful. Because honestly, beyond the initial assessment of my new partner, I didn't really think about her beauty as something Kathy needed to be concerned about. I was a married man. Committed to my family. Olivia was just another detective in my squad. My partner.

EOEO

The second time I lied to my wife about Olivia was a few months later, when she asked how I was getting along with my new partner.

The subject of Olivia really hadn't come up since that first dinner conversation, so I suppose Kathy assumed we were getting along just fine. She would have heard me bitching about it if I hadn't been.

Once again, I shrugged and told her it was fine. That we were both adjusting and that it takes time to break in a new partner.

There was the lie.

The truth was that it was more than fine. From the first day we started working together, Olivia and I had great rapport. It was easy to work with her, and we complemented each other well. I often thought that it shouldn't be that effortless, but it was. She had great instincts, and was smart as hell. She was compassionate and connected with the victims. But that didn't mean you could push her around. I learned quickly that she was tough mentally and physically. She could be a badass in the interrogation room. And just as quickly be the vamp, using her sex appeal to soften a perp. We worked well in interrogation; she knew how to play off my anger and intimidation.

She was strong and independent. Fierce.

I knew there was a story there. One I wouldn't learn until later on.

Probably the biggest reason we got along so well was that she wasn't afraid of me. I couldn't intimidate her and she loved to challenge me. I respected the hell out of her for that.

It scared me how easily we fell into a routine. I enjoyed spending time with her and found myself lingering to talk just a little longer some days.

So, yeah, we were getting along fine. Adjusting.

There was the lie.

EOEO

The third time I lied to my wife about Olivia was about three months later, right before the holidays.

We were sitting at dinner one night and Kathy asked why she hadn't met Olivia yet. I had invited my other partners over to dinner and she asked why Olivia hadn't been over to meet the family. I told her that Olivia was pretty busy with her own life and wouldn't want to spend even more time with her partner than was necessary.

There was the lie.

In truth, I knew Olivia had no one to go home to. I knew she worked longer hours than I did, went out for drinks with the guys, and dated pretty frequently. I also knew she spent a fair amount of time at home. Alone. She had expressed an interest in meeting my family; she asked about the kids all the time and like any good father, I bragged about them. But I never invited her over to meet them.

The truth was that I didn't invite her because I wanted to make my life easier. I had been purposefully vague about my partnership with Olivia. About how easily we got along and how much I enjoyed working with her. About how I could talk to her about things I couldn't talk to Kathy about. About the comments from the unis and suspects alike about how beautiful/sexy/hot/fuckable my partner was.

I knew that even though I hadn't had any inappropriate thoughts about my partner, that seeing Olivia would set Kathy on edge. Increase her level of insecurity. Make her wonder why I'd lied. Because the minute she saw Olivia and I together, she'd know that I hadn't been completely honest. She would see it in our body language and in the way were just…were.

So, there was really no need for her to meet Olivia. I rationalized that Olivia could be gone tomorrow. Partners left all the time. So why bother. Besides, Olivia had her own life. She was too busy to spend time immersed in mine.

That was the lie.

EOEO

The next time I lied to my wife about Olivia was almost a year into our partnership.

The fateful day came when Kathy came to the precinct. It didn't happen very often, and I suppose I had been lucky that it hadn't happened sooner. Olivia had actually been out to pick up lunch, but I knew she'd be back any minute and a meeting was inevitable. I tried to hustle Kathy out of the squad room before Olivia got back, but she must have sensed my unease, and she made an extra effort to chat with Munch and Cragen.

I saw Olivia before Kathy did. I saw the look of surprise on her face, since she'd been asking me about Kathy since we were first partnered. Then the look of surprise turned into a bright smile, and she hurried forward and interrupted, introducing herself to Kathy.

I saw Kathy turn to face her, and it wasn't two seconds later that Kathy turned and shot a dirty look at me. She turned back to Olivia then, and graciously took her hand, telling Olivia that she'd barely heard a word about me, commenting on her busy social life, and asking when she could possibly squeeze time in to have dinner with the family.

I saw the look of confusion on Olivia's face, since she obviously didn't have any idea what Kathy was talking about. She said she was free most of the time, so to just pick a date. That earned me another dirty look from Kathy.

Things didn't get any better when Munch and Cragen chimed in about what a great team we were and how well we worked together. Compliments I'd like to hear…but not right now.

I knew there'd be an argument when I got home, and I also knew there was no way I could work late and avoid it. Staying behind, with Olivia, would only make it worse.

Kathy didn't disappoint. We'd been married a long time, and I'd never given Kathy any reason to be jealous. But my obvious elusiveness when it came to Olivia had raised her suspicions, and she hit me with it once the kids had gone to bed.

There were a lot of questions.

Why I had lied about her being pretty?

"I don't really think of her like that. She's my _partner_." That was a lie because if I was being honest, I would have told her that I'd started to notice little things, and I'd had a few…just a few…daydreams about what it would be like to kiss those lips or run my hands over her curves.

Why had I lied about her not being able to come to the house for dinner?

"She's busier than she lets on. She was just being polite." That was a lie. I didn't want her to come to the house because of what happened today. I didn't want to have this conversation, or make Kathy worry. I had no intention of cheating on my wife.

She asked if she should she be worried.

"Of course not. I love you." And that was the truth. I did love her. I wasn't a cheater. So what if I had a few impure thoughts? It was never going to amount to anything. She was my partner and my friend. I respected the hell out of her, and I would never want to mess that up.

If she offered to take me back to her apartment and take me to bed, I would say no.

That was what I believed at the time.

But I know now that that was a lie.

EO

The next time I lied to my wife about Olivia was…

 _Shit_.

There are too many times to mention.

Lies I told to Kathy.

Lies I told myself.

It was easy to remember the first few times, early in our partnership. But as the years passed…things changed.

Our lives became so intertwined; we had a mutual dependency on each other that defies explanation. I spent more and more time with Olivia. I came to dread leaving her.

We fought. We wouldn't talk for days. But we always worked it out. We never gave up on each other.

The looks. The stares. The casual touching. It became more and more frequent. I knew she felt the same attraction as I did.

But we both became experts at tamping it down. Denying it.

I had dreams about her, day and night. I wondered if it was the same for her. I'm pretty sure it was.

I kept denying the accusations from my wife.

You like spending time with her more than you do me. "No." _Yes._

You want to sleep with her. "No." _Yes_.

You're having an affair. "No." _I want her_.

You're in love with her. "No."

 _Yes._

My lies have caught up with me now. We held off as long as we could. Olivia is stronger than me…she pushed me away the first time I kissed her. She told me we couldn't. That I was married.

I corrected her. Separated.

We shouldn't.

I ignored her and then I kissed her again. I saw the look of resignation in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me back.

I look over at her lying on her stomach next to me. I run my finger lightly down her spine and she makes a small sound in her sleep. Her skin is dark against the white sheets, and my eyes trail down her impossibly long legs. Legs that were wrapped around me less than an hour ago.

Her hair is longer now, and it's loose…wild. It's fanned out against the pillow and I want to touch the silky strands.

Her eyes are closed as she sleeps. But I remember the tears that slipped from her lower lids the first time we made love just hours ago.

Her lips are red and swollen; her skin scraped from the rough stubble on my face. I want to press my lips against hers again. The same lips that whispered my name like a prayer when she came.

I run my fingers lightly over her shoulder and down her arm and I realize that perhaps this was inevitable from the first day I met her.

I think about the lies I've told my wife.

I wonder if this was fate. Or if there were other paths we could have chosen.

We've been partners for almost seven years. The feelings run deep.

It feels like there was never another choice.

Olivia doesn't want to be the other woman. And I don't want her to be. She deserves better. I'm determined to give that to her. To make things right.

 _I love her._

The truth is, I've loved her for a long time.

She knows, but she wouldn't let me say the words as I was intimately pressed in the cradle of her hips.

In a way, we've been lying to each other too.

I lean over and place a gentle kiss on her cheek. She stirs and opens her eyes. I see a small smile play across her mouth and she reaches one hand up and trails her fingers down my cheek.

"I'm sleeping." She says quietly and I can't hold in the emotion that surges through me. I lean in close to her ear and whisper the words I want to say.

"I love you."

I pull back slightly and see the look of panic that crosses her expression. Her smile is gone. But it's a fleeting look; gone almost before I can register it. She sighs and then the small smile returns. "I love you."

With those three words, I know I'm done with the lies.

We've wasted years.

I'm not willing to waste one minute more. I have to unravel the lies I've told. We have to untangle this mess…do things right. She deserves it. We deserve it.

I lean down and kiss her gently. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me close and I breathe deeply, knowing that at this moment in my life, I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

No more lies.


End file.
